What Anxiety Can Do

This post has been started a million times. It’s been a million different things. Somehow I’ve been wanting to share my thoughts in the midst of my latest anxious episode. I’m about two weeks deep in crippling anxiety right now, and because I’ve been writing out some thoughts I have also been noticing a few things that seem to be exclusive results of my anxiety. I thought I would share them. First, to validate anyone else going through this, but second to give a little insight to someone who raises, is friends with, has married, or works with someone who also is afflicted with anxiety.

This is the number one anxiety symptom that I would rid myself of. Now that I’ve gone through therapy and medication, I am lucky enough to see it for what it is, however I am still almost powerless against it. I find myself feeling like a balloon filling with air. The more air, or in this case: simple things that occur in life, I take in, the more stress I feel, and as the stress builds I fight off the desire to pop until I succumb to a break down. It’s starts off small, annoyed with dirty dishes or clothes on the ground, then I begin to find everything completely outrageous. Why does my dog bark? Why does my kid ask random questions? Why am I the only one that starts the dishwasher? I lose control of my reaction to everything and in my powerlessness I completely break down. Which then feeds into the anxiety that I am not good enough to be who I am, and that I do not deserve the life I have. The anxiety monster gets a little bigger, which makes the irritable symptom worse, and now my cycle begins again.

Oh binges. Shows, food, youtube videos, the works. I am no professional, obviously, but I have explored this in therapy and discussed it with friends. One explanation I come up with is that when you’re in the middle of anxiety, whatever comfort you can find you want to hold on to. For me, I always find myself watching no less than 4 hours of Star Trek a day. Or one YouTube channel for hours. In the moment you feel comforted, or at least distracted. You don’t want to let go of the distraction of a show, or the comfort of food, because the feelings are scary, so you stay in the loop of comfort/distraction/safety as long as humanly possible. I’ll stay up all night for an unhealthy binge, because I am terrified of turning off the tv long enough to fall asleep. The ten minutes to fall asleep might lead me to a panic attack because I have too much time to think.

For this one I’m gonna plug the Sleep with Me Podcast, which gives me the distraction I need, but also lets me fall asleep.

Listen, if you’ve ever had any level of anxiety, you know this one. You feel unable to do anything, so you try to do things, when you fail you have to start doing other things and you are never doing enough. I have six storage containers for under mine and Leon’s bed that I bought because I was certain it would free up some space- except I bought them over a month ago and for the life of me I can’t start using them for fear that I won’t be able to finish the project, which will then make more of a mess than we had to begin with. So I bought the containers, couldn’t complete the task, and therefore felt as though I immediately had to move to something else to make up for my inability to finish something else. My brain and my body cannot function in harmony long enough to finish things, but I’m conditioned to know that I need to be doing something. This happened all of the time with deployment packages. I would have purchased everything I needed to send to Lulu, and sometimes I would have it for weeks before the day finally came that I could complete all the necessary steps to send it. (Get things into the car, drive to the post office, package it up, fill out forms, send it.) Like doing step one, and then realizing that the next step is actually a mountain you have to climb. These aren’t things I struggle with outside of a rough anxiety episode, but in the middle of one it’s like asking me to take a ten mile hike.

If you are thinking “wow she has severe anxiety” you are correct. I am lucky enough to have easy access to a great doctor, a great therapist, and fully covered medical insurance. I don’t want to have my friends sending me messages about how I need help, because I KNOW. I need a lot of help, and I get it. I am lucky enough that in the beginning of this year when I had collapsed into myself and stopped leaving my house altogether, my therapist did sessions with me over the phone for a few weeks.  I have a husband who has lived in the trenches with me for years that has zero fear of forcing me to get help if I refuse. I have people in my life that directly ask how I’m managing my symptoms and grief, and will get rather pressing if I attempt to evade. I am more blessed than most.

Anxiety is an easy hole to fall into. It’s nice and wide, easy to forget it’s there until you’ve already begun to fall. More importantly though, it is only a hole. It is not the entire world, the feeling of being stuck is only a feeling and not reality. If you’re in the hole with me right now and have never experienced getting out of it, trust and believe me. Having experienced nearly a year of anxiety-control, I have learned how to separate myself from my anxiety. My feelings are real, but not reality. I think of anxiety has a super rude house guest. Totally invades my space, but is still only a guest in my house.

If you have any thoughts, or recognize these things in yourself or someone you love, please leave a comment here or on Instagram- that way other people can see and discuss it as well!